claireswheel

here you go kate. enjoy.

• Is a hippopotomus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotomus?

• I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.^[1]

• See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”^[2]

• (Pointing to the back of the room as if to relay his post-show whereabouts.) If you wanna talk to me after the show I’ll be … fuckin’ surprised.

• I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

• We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That’s a showbiz term for “add sugar to”.

• I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

• Hey this jokes on the first CD but I added a new line so I can’t fuckin’ rob you of this one. I got a ant farm but them fellas didn’t grow shit. I said c’mon what about some celery. You fuckers don’t farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen.

• I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant “cuz the customer’s always right.”

• Alright, alright. That joke’s better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I’m not a fuckin’ genius for Christ’s sakes. You know. I’m just tryin’ to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It’s called “Attitude”.

• I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book”. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

• “I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit.”

• If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

• I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? “Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom’s got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom’s over in that guy’s house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it.”

• I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s three a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”